Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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