If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
