Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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