I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
