it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
