I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
