am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
