i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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