Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
