The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
