That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
