I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
