you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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