Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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