I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
