i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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