At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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