MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
