Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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