I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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