so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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