I can text with my tongue
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
