Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
