Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
