What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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