how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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