Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
