and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
