I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
did i walk over a car last night?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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