Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
