I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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