We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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