So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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