i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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