i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
