Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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