I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
one might say we're banned from that church
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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