i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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