eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
