I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
