Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
