today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
