I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
