the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i think i have two assholes
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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