Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm always down for nudity.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
