Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
