The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
