You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
