On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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