She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
