Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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